Yeah yeah I know its been a long time. I have a lot to update everyone with, but right now…
Do you have a favorite song that you can just listen over and over to? Right now mine is “Andy You’re a Star” by the Killers. I really like the lyrics. I’m not 100% sure what they mean but I like to think they are about two guys in a secret relationship.
Check out the song on YouTube and let me know what you think.
Also, my blog reading list has really shortened. Let me know if you Blog or want me add you to my Blog list.
Peace,
Nick
20.5.09
3.2.09
26.12.08
Holiday
The holiday season is always a great time to remind yourself the importance of people in your life and the importance of relationships. The past few months my younger brother and I have gotten closer, but I guess living together will do that. He knows I am gay, but he teases me saying I must be bi because I hang out with the 'hot babes' in the sororities. I guess that what I get for being in fraternity. I have helped him getting accustomed to developing reading and studying habits and he has reminded me that life is supposed to be about not just work but also having fun.
My brother and I drove six hours to see out Dad and step-mom for Christmas and we had a good time. I hate being in a car for more than an hour because I get antsy. Some have said that its my ADD, but I think its because I am afraid of being stuck in a place where I am not in control. But we had a memorable trip getting to Chicago. My car battery decided to die after we stooped to get gas the first time, but luckily there was a Walmart across the street, sixty-five dollars later we were on out way. The second mechanical and luckily our last problem happened when we hit the scrubbers of Chicago area. My heater decided to crap out on me. We started smelling this burning smell coming from the vents. I checked the temp gauge and it was fine, but the smell was unbearable and had to turn it off. Luckily we were only about 30min away from our Dad's apartment in the city. We made it in once piece luckily, I however had a headache because I made the mistake of allowing my brother control of the music selection. The music varied between country, rap, all the way to techno. Next road trip, I'm bringing my iPod and it will have a playlist that I created.
For Christmas my brother and I got some good stuff for our apartment. He got a PS3 and three games for it, along with several blueray movies. I got a refurbished 337" HDTV with a refurbished Tivo. Both of us got a 100$ gift certificate to WalMat to buy food with. We are really fortunate that our family is not effected by the economic downturn. My Dad works in sales, but is in an area of sales that is still expanding, farm equipment (go figure). My brother and I pooled our money together and bought my Step-Mom a day at the spa and our Dad a set of gulf clubs. I picked out the spa and Brandon (my brother) picked out the gulf clubs. Who knew how expensive a good set of gulf clubs could be.
I have to be back to my job the 3rd or January so I am spending as much time in downtown Chicago as possible. The more I visit the city, the more I fall in love with it. After earning my Masters degree I might look into moving to the Chicago area. My brother however I think will cling to his inner farm boy. I guess those summers that we spent in the barn bailing hay grew on him. I will always have a special place in my heart for the country, but the 'city life' is for me. I love experiencing different food and cultures. Plus, you really cant get any decent sushi in the country.
I hope everyone is reading this had a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Peace,
Nick
My brother and I drove six hours to see out Dad and step-mom for Christmas and we had a good time. I hate being in a car for more than an hour because I get antsy. Some have said that its my ADD, but I think its because I am afraid of being stuck in a place where I am not in control. But we had a memorable trip getting to Chicago. My car battery decided to die after we stooped to get gas the first time, but luckily there was a Walmart across the street, sixty-five dollars later we were on out way. The second mechanical and luckily our last problem happened when we hit the scrubbers of Chicago area. My heater decided to crap out on me. We started smelling this burning smell coming from the vents. I checked the temp gauge and it was fine, but the smell was unbearable and had to turn it off. Luckily we were only about 30min away from our Dad's apartment in the city. We made it in once piece luckily, I however had a headache because I made the mistake of allowing my brother control of the music selection. The music varied between country, rap, all the way to techno. Next road trip, I'm bringing my iPod and it will have a playlist that I created.
For Christmas my brother and I got some good stuff for our apartment. He got a PS3 and three games for it, along with several blueray movies. I got a refurbished 337" HDTV with a refurbished Tivo. Both of us got a 100$ gift certificate to WalMat to buy food with. We are really fortunate that our family is not effected by the economic downturn. My Dad works in sales, but is in an area of sales that is still expanding, farm equipment (go figure). My brother and I pooled our money together and bought my Step-Mom a day at the spa and our Dad a set of gulf clubs. I picked out the spa and Brandon (my brother) picked out the gulf clubs. Who knew how expensive a good set of gulf clubs could be.
I have to be back to my job the 3rd or January so I am spending as much time in downtown Chicago as possible. The more I visit the city, the more I fall in love with it. After earning my Masters degree I might look into moving to the Chicago area. My brother however I think will cling to his inner farm boy. I guess those summers that we spent in the barn bailing hay grew on him. I will always have a special place in my heart for the country, but the 'city life' is for me. I love experiencing different food and cultures. Plus, you really cant get any decent sushi in the country.
I hope everyone is reading this had a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Peace,
Nick
20.12.08
Survey
I borrowed this from another blog, you should check it out.
http://thestateofthenationuk.blogspot.com
Name: Nick
Country: United States, Midwest
Age: 23
How old were you when you first realized you were gay? In high school, but I did not accept the fact I was gay until college.
Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? Straight. I only have one gay friend and two bisexual friends.
Biggest turn on? Guys with long shaggy hair.
Biggest turn off? People who are closed minded.
Ever been harassed due to your orientation? Yes.
Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay? Yes. I hate that some people knew that I was gay before I told them, but the others who did not know were surprised and it took them a little longer to get used to the idea that their good friend was gay.
What is the worst gay stereotype? That all gays are flamboyant and use beauty products, even straight men use beauty products.
Are you a stereotype? At times I find myself saying in my head, wow that wounded so gay. But overall, I don’t think so. But in order to prove to myself that I was not a stereotype, I am learning how to box.
Ever been to a pride rally? No. But I support those who do as long as its not too ‘flashy’.
Do you go to gay bars? I have been to a few. Not really my scene, but it’s nice to be around people who are like minded.
How old were you when you first told someone you were gay? I was 20 and the guy who I told was ok with it, but due to unrelated circumstances, we don’t really talk anymore.
Did you plan it? If so, how? Yes.
What made you choose that person to tell? That person was religious but also open minded, he was in a lot of ways like myself excluding being gay.
How did you feel? Not any different really.
Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them? I told a friend of mine in confidence who in turn told someone else. So if that is snub yes.
Have you come out to your family? No. My parents are divorced and I might tell my mom but never my Dad. Its not that I think he would disown me, I just feel like it would be a disappointment. I told my younger brother right before he moved in with me at college, he said he already knew.
Why did you come out at that point? We all have secrets, but when the secret boils inside you, eventually you will either need to turn down the heat or you will boil over. I decided to turn down the heat.
Are you out at work? Yes. I am out at one of my two jobs.
If not, why not? The job that I am not out at is retail and I really don’t consider any of my co-workers trustworthy yet. It takes a lot to earn my trust.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? Yes. See above.
What does being out mean to you? Being honest with people about who I am.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Don’t do it too soon and don’t do it too late. It’s never too late, but if you wait too long a lot of opportunities to meet people might pass you by.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I would have like to come out my Freshmen year of college. I think I would have been happier with myself in the long run.
11.11.08
The Good & The Bad
It has been a while since an update, to be honest I do not even know if people still read this blog. But no worries.
What have I been up to?
-I am continuing on earning a Master degree. I am still contemplating transferring, I will need to start sending out my transcripts and applications soon to other colleges if I do transfer. The biggest thing is that my brother finally decided that he wanted to go to college and we live together in an apartment and attend the same university. Its been a little weird living with him, but surprisingly its been a smooth living.
-I did come out to my brother. I might write about it in another post, but in the end it went ok. Justin even comes over to our apartment to hang out.
-I can barley afford my apartment, gas, car insurance, and food. I work 30 hours a week in retail and I hate it. But there are so many other people out there who are worse than me. Brandon (my brother) works less than me and I don't see how he can do it, but he has student loans to fall back on.
-This past summer I spent 18 days in Italy and I loved it! I took close to 800 pictures believe it or not. But I went on the cheap side, spending most night is hostiles. The hostiles were ok, but some were shady. I went with a friend who just graduated with a degree in Humanities so being with another person security was not as big as a n issue. We had a blast and I can't wait to do it again someday. The only bad part is my iPod nano was stolen.
Well, that all I have for now.
Peace,
Nick
What have I been up to?
-I am continuing on earning a Master degree. I am still contemplating transferring, I will need to start sending out my transcripts and applications soon to other colleges if I do transfer. The biggest thing is that my brother finally decided that he wanted to go to college and we live together in an apartment and attend the same university. Its been a little weird living with him, but surprisingly its been a smooth living.
-I did come out to my brother. I might write about it in another post, but in the end it went ok. Justin even comes over to our apartment to hang out.
-I can barley afford my apartment, gas, car insurance, and food. I work 30 hours a week in retail and I hate it. But there are so many other people out there who are worse than me. Brandon (my brother) works less than me and I don't see how he can do it, but he has student loans to fall back on.
-This past summer I spent 18 days in Italy and I loved it! I took close to 800 pictures believe it or not. But I went on the cheap side, spending most night is hostiles. The hostiles were ok, but some were shady. I went with a friend who just graduated with a degree in Humanities so being with another person security was not as big as a n issue. We had a blast and I can't wait to do it again someday. The only bad part is my iPod nano was stolen.
Well, that all I have for now.
Peace,
Nick
28.4.08
Listening to reason
I think that voice inside myself that tells me not do do stupid things is out on vacation. I know not to hook up with the 'straight guy' and yet I did it again. Ughhh. He did tell me he was bisexual, but I could have figured that out by myself. Oh, but it gets worse. He wants to get an apartment this summer... If there were only a pill to take that would allow yourself to forget.
School is just about finished and I went ahead a registered for classes next year. Granted they are all on-line.
School is just about finished and I went ahead a registered for classes next year. Granted they are all on-line.
10.4.08
As promised, an update
I have several things to update on, but for right now I will stick to the topics that are currently driving me crazy.
Straight Guy
The “straight guy” and I had a falling out. But to make a long story short, we ended up in a fight and me with a broken nose. I have been in fights before but I have never been in a fight where the person was someone I knew really well. I said something that he got pissed off at and he left the table where we were sitting at. After a bit, I went to go get him because it was 2:00am and I had to go to work at 10am. I found him outside the bar smoking a cigarette and told him we had to go. I guess he was still pissed at me and our argument continued, then out of nowhere he punched me right in my nose. It’s not the most pleasant feeling, having your nose broken. At first I did not realize anything was wrong until I put my hand up to my face and felt the blood dripping from my chin. I was sort of freaked out about the whole situation. He didn’t say one word to me, but just walked off. I left his ass there at the bar. This happened about a month ago and we have really yet to speak. Last night he calls me at 3am, waking me up. Usually, when someone calls at 3am it’s a friend or a fraternity brother needing a ride because they are too drunk to drive. My instinct was to just answer the phone without looking at the caller ID. It was him, I was speechless. He was so drunk half crying. He didn’t need a drive, but wanted me to come over to his place. In the past when he has called me in this state it would be for “other reasons.” To be honest I wanted to go over, but for some odd reason my sensibility won out and I stayed home. I told him that I could not come over because of my car (which has yet to be fixed from the accident) and hung up. Why do I still have feelings for this guy?
In search on an Apartment
With the school year coming to an end, I am in search of an apartment. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be to find a place. I will have a roommate so it’s even harder to find a place where both of us can agree on. My roommate is a friend of mine who was the one that got me to go out to the gay bar. But she is bisexual and had a thing for me before she knew I was gay. That was an awkward conversation, but she is now someone who I can call anytime to talk to and she calls me when she needs someone to talk to. In some ways we are so much alike and sometimes I wonder if that’s a good thing, considering we will be living together.
Spring Break
My spring break sucked, I worked, but they pay check allowed me to buy a 37 inch HDTV for $600. It was refurbished, but it’s still a great TV.
Ohio Guy
Monday, I got a call from the John, the Ohio guy that tempted me. It was really out of the blue, we havent spoke or e-mailed since about October. But he wanted to know if I was going to be back in Ohio this summer. We chatted for over the hour on the phone, which is weird for me because I HATE talking on the phone.
Straight Guy
The “straight guy” and I had a falling out. But to make a long story short, we ended up in a fight and me with a broken nose. I have been in fights before but I have never been in a fight where the person was someone I knew really well. I said something that he got pissed off at and he left the table where we were sitting at. After a bit, I went to go get him because it was 2:00am and I had to go to work at 10am. I found him outside the bar smoking a cigarette and told him we had to go. I guess he was still pissed at me and our argument continued, then out of nowhere he punched me right in my nose. It’s not the most pleasant feeling, having your nose broken. At first I did not realize anything was wrong until I put my hand up to my face and felt the blood dripping from my chin. I was sort of freaked out about the whole situation. He didn’t say one word to me, but just walked off. I left his ass there at the bar. This happened about a month ago and we have really yet to speak. Last night he calls me at 3am, waking me up. Usually, when someone calls at 3am it’s a friend or a fraternity brother needing a ride because they are too drunk to drive. My instinct was to just answer the phone without looking at the caller ID. It was him, I was speechless. He was so drunk half crying. He didn’t need a drive, but wanted me to come over to his place. In the past when he has called me in this state it would be for “other reasons.” To be honest I wanted to go over, but for some odd reason my sensibility won out and I stayed home. I told him that I could not come over because of my car (which has yet to be fixed from the accident) and hung up. Why do I still have feelings for this guy?
In search on an Apartment
With the school year coming to an end, I am in search of an apartment. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be to find a place. I will have a roommate so it’s even harder to find a place where both of us can agree on. My roommate is a friend of mine who was the one that got me to go out to the gay bar. But she is bisexual and had a thing for me before she knew I was gay. That was an awkward conversation, but she is now someone who I can call anytime to talk to and she calls me when she needs someone to talk to. In some ways we are so much alike and sometimes I wonder if that’s a good thing, considering we will be living together.
Spring Break
My spring break sucked, I worked, but they pay check allowed me to buy a 37 inch HDTV for $600. It was refurbished, but it’s still a great TV.
Ohio Guy
Monday, I got a call from the John, the Ohio guy that tempted me. It was really out of the blue, we havent spoke or e-mailed since about October. But he wanted to know if I was going to be back in Ohio this summer. We chatted for over the hour on the phone, which is weird for me because I HATE talking on the phone.
6.4.08
Coming Out
I recently came out to a female friend of mine. I had a few classes with her in the past, but last semester I was taking a class with less than 10 students, so all of us got to know each other. We sat by each other and got to know each other outside of class. We went to the library to study and proof read each others papers. I eventually found out that she frequents the gay bar in the town that I go to college. That gave me enough confidence to tell her that I was gay. Recently, she admitted that she did have feelings for me, but she knew nothing would come of them. I felt horrible, but I knew I had no reason to.
1.4.08
26.3.08
I know this is the second posting with a question but..
How do you hide from the world?
Sometimes I could just lay in bed all day and listen to music. I'm not really a TV person, but I love watching sitcoms and laying in bed till 3am. I turn of my phone because for some reason people are always wanting to do stuff with me, but sometimes, you need a break. But other times being alone is the worst thing you can do to yourself. But back to the question... how do you escape?
PS. I promise the next posting will be better.
How do you hide from the world?
Sometimes I could just lay in bed all day and listen to music. I'm not really a TV person, but I love watching sitcoms and laying in bed till 3am. I turn of my phone because for some reason people are always wanting to do stuff with me, but sometimes, you need a break. But other times being alone is the worst thing you can do to yourself. But back to the question... how do you escape?
PS. I promise the next posting will be better.
25.3.08
On my way to Mass this morning, I got in a three car accident. No one was hurt luckily! The car I hit had two kids in the backseat, but they were ok. A car had stalled and the traffic was thick. The impact was only about 10-15 MPH but their bumper and the front of my car will need to be replaced. But in all, I'm glad no one got hurt. I guess someone or something didn't want me going to church... Oh well.
Happy Easter
-Nick
Happy Easter
-Nick
13.3.08
I have always struggled with posting some things in my blog. But today, I am comfortable enough posting them. The reason that I have decided to post these things is not to gain sympathy or compassion, but to let mind to continue to deal with these probables. Well, here it goes....
Two weeks before Thanks Giving, I tried to kill myself. I took a razor to my wrists and just cut. I had thought about doing it before, but this time it just crept up on me without warning. I thought there was no other way to take away the pain that I was feeling. I cut bot arms all the way down to my wrists. I took six over the counter sleeping pills and fell asleep. There was no note and no last minute phone call. Luckily, I woke up the next morning the two five inch gashes in my arm did not hit a vein, but they felt like two caverns in my arms. When I woke up, I was in a weird haze, probably from the pills. I got out of bed bandaged my arms and went to class. Don't ask me why I went to class, but I did. I did not tell anyone and did not see a doctor. Now I have these two huge scars on my arm and I hate them. It was not until a few days ago that I told someone.
I have also been self-injuring for over a year now. I cut myself to feel better. I know how messes up that sounds, but it does help you focus when you are in a state of panic.
I still struggle with things, but now I am able to talk about it with a few people who I trust. One day I hope to tell my family.
-Nick
Two weeks before Thanks Giving, I tried to kill myself. I took a razor to my wrists and just cut. I had thought about doing it before, but this time it just crept up on me without warning. I thought there was no other way to take away the pain that I was feeling. I cut bot arms all the way down to my wrists. I took six over the counter sleeping pills and fell asleep. There was no note and no last minute phone call. Luckily, I woke up the next morning the two five inch gashes in my arm did not hit a vein, but they felt like two caverns in my arms. When I woke up, I was in a weird haze, probably from the pills. I got out of bed bandaged my arms and went to class. Don't ask me why I went to class, but I did. I did not tell anyone and did not see a doctor. Now I have these two huge scars on my arm and I hate them. It was not until a few days ago that I told someone.
I have also been self-injuring for over a year now. I cut myself to feel better. I know how messes up that sounds, but it does help you focus when you are in a state of panic.
I still struggle with things, but now I am able to talk about it with a few people who I trust. One day I hope to tell my family.
-Nick
15.2.08
12.2.08
Snowed In
After getting fouur inches of snow and an inch of ice the campus was closed. So instead of reading or writing, the 'straight guy' and I watched House on DVD. If you have not seen House M.D. yet, I suggest you catch it sometime on tv.
He and I have cooled down for a bit, he had been having problems with his girl friend and that’s when he and I messed around, but when he got back together with her, I got the cue. After really thinking about the whole situation, I kind of felt like a slut. One night he tried to start something, but he got the picture that I was not going to allow anything to happen.
Maybe tomorrow, I will be motivated to get work done. Until then, enjoy.
He and I have cooled down for a bit, he had been having problems with his girl friend and that’s when he and I messed around, but when he got back together with her, I got the cue. After really thinking about the whole situation, I kind of felt like a slut. One night he tried to start something, but he got the picture that I was not going to allow anything to happen.
Maybe tomorrow, I will be motivated to get work done. Until then, enjoy.
